On New Year's Day it's easy to get bombarded by advertisements and messages about your resolutions for the New Year, those pesky promises most of us will break by January 15th, if the statistics are to be believed. Meriam-Webster states that "to resolve" is "to reach a firm decision about." Settled deep into the definition is the expectation that we will be the same, settled deep in our convictions for the New Year. There is a lot of pressure on those small (or big) promises we make to ourselves, our families, and our communities. It's perhaps the pressure on them, and those unrealistic expectations we set for ourselves, that New Year's resolutions quickly turn into "New Year's wishful thinking."
There are a lot of reasons why resolutions don't work. First and foremost, resolutions rely on black and white thinking, a cognitive distortion that has us believing we can go from zero to 100 overnight. Suddenly, January 1st means we will be going to the gym every day, not eating sugar, or stopping the habits we've developed to cope with the stresses of the world. There are reasons why developing new habits is challenging. Developing new habits requires consistency; consistency requires time, energy, and drive. These things can be in short supply when burnout, fatigue, and the intense pressures of work, children, school, after-school, and relationships spreads us thin. More importantly, the drive has to be there. If you want to make a change, you have to find an intrinsic, that is, interior, motivation to make it happen. Which isn't to say, should you drop your resolution, that you didn't want it enough; it's more likely that the other elements just aren't there, or that the resolution was simply too big to be accomplished in as short a time as you gave yourself.
The problem, of course, is that when we set our resolutions, we run the risk of setting ourselves up for failure. Don't get me wrong, I love failure, in theory. Failure reminds us that we tried and teaches us what we need to do to try again. I wouldn't be a struggling would-be writer if I wasn't able to handle a little failure...or a lot, if you count the number of query rejections adding up. But failure can also trigger nasty little things like rejection sensitivity or it's sister-cousin rejection sensitive dysphoria, both of which can send us spinning down rabbit holes of recriminations rather than finding the Zen place of radical acceptance about missing the goalpost on our resolutions. To me, it's just not worth the pain and mental gymnastics it takes to get out of the neurodivergent wormhole of rejection sensitivity.
What to do instead?
There are a lot of options for those seeking to connect to something bigger for the New Year. A meme I saw buzzing around the socials talked about keeping a happiness jar for the year. Each week, you write down something positive that happened on a piece of paper and keep it in the jar. Next December 31st, open up the jar and reflect on the amazing year you had. I love this because our brains are naturally skewed towards the negative, a way to protect us from the unexpected challenges of life. Or there is always setting intentions. In contrast to resolutions, which require that centered decisiveness, setting intentions gives you the space to grow and change in ways that accommodate the flexibility of life. If I set the intention to grow, I can sign up for a language course that's self-led or start a new hobby at the local community college. If I set the intention to be healthier, I can make small changes to help my health. Rather than have my kryptonite at dinner (Mexican Coke), I can choose to have tea or water instead. I don't have to do that every day to feel that I am working towards my goals. I might want to read 50 books in a year, but resolving to do so adds a lot of pressure. Instead, I will intend to read more this year and try to set some time aside each day to read at least a paragraph. Setting the intention keeps the intention in mind and holds us accountable only to the goal of doing better and helping ourselves to live whatever life is best for us with what we have at a given moment.
If intentions aren't really your thing, it's also okay to set small goals. During the winter, when seasonal affect depression is at it's peak for most, I tell them to set out "carrots" for the next couple of months. "Carrots" are the small prizes we give ourselves to keep us looking forward. Similarly, you can set small goals to get through the slow times. Want to exercise more? Set a goal of walking ten extra minutes per day (or most days), or 250 extra steps. Don't expect to immediately jump out into a 5k race when you haven't walked a mile since sixth grade. Shin splints and hamstring injuries aren't going to help you achieve your long-term goal of fitness. If you want to go out more, check your local calendars for events that might interest you or movies that you might want to see. Mark them on your calendar and see how you feel the day of the event. You may surprise yourself and find an adventurous spirit that will get you out and about. Sometimes you have to spend a little bit of energy in order to have the long-term gains you're looking for. Remember it's okay to take your time.
Most importantly, remember on this New Year's, as always, that you are enough, just the way you are. You don't need to have resolutions or goals or expectations just because a day in the calendar and social expectations tell you that you need them. Are you ready for a change? Great! Are you not ready for a change? Great! Whatever works for you at this moment in your life, is okay. You don't have to go to the gym to get "summer ready" or learn three languages or read 100 books.
You are enough. Just the way you are.
If there is anything to have "resolve" or set your intentions about, it's to embrace the awesomeness that is you. Every day. As much as you can.
Happy New Year and bright blessings for a wonderful 2025.
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